Broken Pieces (reader submission)

My heart aches daily. My head aches daily. I have way too many sleepless nights.

Wine is the only sleep medicine I can take and that still doesn’t help any.

What is the problem? is it me? am I not pretty enough. Am I not worthy to be loved.

Have I done anything in my past so bad that karma is punishing me. is God punishing me. I just don’t get it.

No one deserves to have their heart shattered to pieces and then be left alone to glue them back together.

I’m trying but it feels like some of these puzzle pieces are missing. I missing pieces from the middle and some corners.

Until I find them I guess I will suffer in silence because no one can help me figure this out.

So I get up daily to face this cruel alone with a mask on my face.

I smile, I joke, I seem to have things all figured out. 

But all the while my mind is racing trying to figure out where the pieces of my heart can be.

The puzzle is too big. I mean this puzzle is bigger than 5000 pieces.

Well maybe that’s because my heart was too big and opened to anyone I felt needed love

But then they took the pieces of my heart with them. I need them back and I don’t know where to start

Should I start with the first person I ever loved. Maybe so because I was NEVER expecting to be hurt by him

We were young and in love and I gave him all of me after going thru one of the toughest ordeals in life.

He was there for me when no one else was like literally. Every step of the way

There was no one like him. He wined and dined me and treated me like a queen

I was “Happy” every day with him. Or at least that’s what I thought

But then the hurt came. He cheated.

Was I not good enough for him. Was I not woman enough for him. Did I not love him enough

I swear I was doing everything right. Or at least that’s what I thought

My heart was shattered like a broken mirror. I picked all the pieces my little hands can hold

And I tried my best to put it back together. Cutting my fingers along the way

I think he took some with him though. Because things were never the same

But then there was another one that came along. This one I should have never touched. He was off limits from the jump.

But the poetic words that he would whisper to me. The love the he would show to me. The promises that he made to me,

Had me forgetting everything that happened with the first one. and I mean EVERYTHING

I gave him my heart (what was left of is that is) and things were all good in the beginning

But later it started to become a sexual thing with him. No longer was I beautiful to him

No longer were his words so poetic. The promises faded and so did the love

And here I was again. ALONE. I mean he wasn’t mine from the beginning so what did I expect.

Broken pieces all over the place. I mean the wounds weren’t completely healed from trying to fix the last broken heart

But I’m back at with that damn glue again. 

Instead of crying I became angry. The hurt was replaced by rage. And I vowed to myself to hurt the next before they hurt me

So I did just that. I mean he was silly anyway. All the things he tried to do were already done so I ain’t believe in him

He could have kept his poems. His sweet words. His warm kisses. I was numb to all of that shit

But he showered me with gifts. His love I didn’t need but I sure wasn’t giving up that money and them gifts.

That got boring after a while and I started looking for something different. I was done with church boys

And lord knows I was not ready for this “thug” that showed up in my life. Poor little fragile me

I got introduced to a lifestyle that I was sheltered from. The parties, the liquor, staying out all night, riding dirty.

I aint gonna lie tho. I loved all of it. Nigga made feel special. We was together day in and day out

I think it was the attention that won me over at first. But then things progressed.

I learned about his hurt and he learned about mine. I loved him in spite of and he loved me the same.

From our love came a child. His first and my second. A son was born that drew us closer together.

But as we all know with times all things fade. But this hurt was different. It was a hurt that my mom used to tell me about

She used to say that my father put her through this. And I always said that will never happen to me. I refused to allow it

But sure enough I was living that life. The verbal, the physical and the emotional part

With each time I lost a piece of me. But he would tell me that he loved me and wouldn’t do it again.

Then there came another time and another apology. Another time with another apology

It happened so much that it started to become normal to me. I figured out ways to hide it from others

I allowed it to happen with the hopes that he would stop if I kept loving him. He would see that he really loved me

I made excuses for his actions and loved him more and more every day. Things were great we didn’t fight

I had no more feelings after a while. Again I was numb to it all. All the hurt and all the pain

My heart was shattered once again. and the thoughts are back.

Am I not pretty enough. Am I not worthy to be loved. Have I done something so bad that Karma is punishing me

Is God punishing me. My prayers weren’t being answered. So not only did I feel like no one else loved but God didn’t love me either.

So again, I’m alone trying to mend these broken pieces but don’t have them all. I need help but I don’t know where to start